Day 5

There was no day 4 – I can’t be doing with writing all the time.

Now, the great thing about reflecting on one’s doubts is that for once, one is not reflecting on one’s faith. Reflecting on one’s faith is a dangerous occupation for one such as me. I don’t know that much about formal psychology, but I do know that we are said to possess something called the Super Ego – the part that looks upon ourselves from a distance and critically assesses, remarks, judges, compares. I seem to have it in abundance.

There is a part of me that reflects analytically not only on my own true nature and motivations, but on my worldview. It can be helpful to reflect critically at one’s nature and motivations, as it prevents the holding of too high a view of oneself. One knows one’s true motives. One recognises the falsity and self-deception that come right along with one into every attempt to live a holy life. But to look critically at one’s worldview – well, its destructive in the long run. Faith is to be lived . I think of St Therese of Liseux, who died hardly educated at 24 and knew little of theology, but lived a beautiful faith with passion and conviction. As do all great Christians.

I feel that a life of passion for the Lord is not far from me – if only I could accept the words of the Bible as is, and not compare them incessantly to other worldviews … or not even worldviews, just … reality out there. The reality is that there are millions of people who profess no faith in Jesus but who live lives filled with greater love, peace and joy than many Christians. The reality is that people are honestly wrestling with spiritual questions, not living lives of debauchery and dissolution…. and  – the usual plaintive cry; “How can God condemn them just because they don’t confess the name of Christ?”

The key for me is to ask God to help me to see that Christ IS over all, in all, for all. I balk at saying he is a part of every religion – that would be bending Christianity to suit me. But he must, in some way as yet unknown in my depths, be the Saviour of all.

A man I once met said that Christ has already saved the whole world. We are “saved”, all of us. I wonder about this. Is it just a matter of recognising the Saviour then? Unfortunately the man did not live in what seemed to me at the time a Christian way. He did not count himself among the believers in the sense that I then understood the term. But I wonder if he was right.

Lord, only you know the state of my soul. This dissecting of matters theological brings me no peace. Yet you gave me a brain with a particularly philosophical bent, and I do not have the personality of St Therese. Could I however learn from her? Her childlike purity seems a far, far remove from this cluttered life and mind of mine. Yet still. All things are possible.

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